It was somewhere between the valedictorian's praise for her generation's obvious inevitability to cure AIDS and the point in the ceremony when an officer from the Naval Academy personally recognized her significance as a human that I began to feel sad. It had been five years since I sat in that very auditorium and listened to speeches of hauntingly parallel sentiments. I counted the years to sure.*
This immediately made me feel old. I turned to the boyfriend, "does this make you feel old?" His response was tinged with empathy, "no, I feel bad for these idiots because they really think this is what it will be like after tonight." He and I are no foreigners to disappointment after graduation.
I watched all those pimply-faced brats squeal and cry for one another, as if they really "might never see each other again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and for the first time that night, I wanted to laugh. Of course you'll see these ass-hats again. You'll see them at bars, at Kohl's, at school, at your job, with your ex-boyfriend, in the paper, even at your house. You'll see them everywhere, and you'll get very little peace from that. It's all part of that "roller coaster called life"--that never fucking stops, and is operated by the nose-picker you sat next to every day in homeroom.
However, there's always the slow creeping cliche to keep the human race motivated. Ten Year Reunion. I have exactly enough time to conceive, birth, and raise a Kindergartner, before every one from my graduating class will be doing that thing where they pretend to look just ahead of you at a friend, or prices at the bar, but really just want a look at your ass to make sure it's fat.
There are few remedies for crow's feet and cellulite in the eyes of a supercilious peer. The first, is an impressive job. If your career is worth the weight of your thighs, the fat becomes power. Sandy, will rethink that initial quick eyebrow raise of surprise, and think to herself "well, Danielle can't exercise if she's applying sunscreen for Brad Pitt on the set of his new movie, especially since she does that on her days off from being the most renowned neurosurgeon in America. I feel awful for misjudging her!" The second, if you're a woman, is kids. "Danielle can't help how gray her hair is, who has time to highlight when you're so busy tending to triplets! I really MUST send her a fruit basket."
Being that I can't afford children without a job, I've decided to look for one of those first. I graduated with a degree in English and Secondary Education. I taught for a year, and I would happily teach again if times were different but there is just something so undeniably alluring about writing and correcting my own work rather than my students'. At twenty-two years old, I sort of feel like I have to at least try a different avenue before signing my soul away to the salary steps of teaching. Especially, an avenue that I love so much.
That being said, applying for dream jobs is, as it turns out, the most progressive act of self-deprecation available to young adults. I believe this is for a number of reasons:
1. Your preliminary encounter with your future employer is virtual. You have to condense your personality, qualifications, and experience into size 12, Times New Roman font. This information must be two pages and you must fill out a series of opening and closing tabs, that ask additional vital information, and require a password.
2. The password must be eight characters in length, contain a number, a symbol, two capital letters, a blue italicized letter, preferably of Greek origin, your mother's maiden name, and the last four digits of your social, or it WILL be hacked. So naturally, you forget your password, and need to email the company six or seven times asking for new ones, and they weed you out of the masses because they honestly cannot believe you could forget something so simple. Fool.
3. You must provide your email, so that they can immediately send you a reply email, graciously thanking you for your application which will be viewed, and should your resume meet their qualifications they will call you for an interview. Should it not however, due to the high volume of applications coming in every day, they will be unable to contact you about your pending application. They hope you understand.
3a. This is the corporate equivalent to flirting. Not only did they ask for your number, (which oh my god no one ever does anymore this must be serious!) but they called before you even left the venue. This email provides all kinds of false hope because it leaves you thinking that you stand a chance. Then a few days go by, a week, a month; that hope begins to fade. You fear what you've always known: there's someone else.
4. Experience. Experience is the college graduate's largest obstacle. It doesn't matter what the job is, or how good you would be, or how hard you would work, the unfortunate truth is that you do not have a reference backing you up. This in and of itself is enough to feel bad about, but it sneaks up on you when you're least expecting, when your hopes are high and your heart full. It is without a doubt, the very last tid-bit of information on the qualifications, every damn time. That way you can go down the list and think to yourself YES YES YES! That's me! This is perfect! And then you wince as the last line stabs your heart. It looks like this:
Peanut Butter and Jelly Maker Wanted:
Qualifications:
Must love PB&J
Must eat one a week
Must have BA in at least PB, preferably J
Full Time
Full Benefits
Must be friendly
Must be whimsical with a butter knife
Must have the drive and ambition to train others
3-5 years experience in PB&J making at a credible restaurant
5. Cover Letters. Cover letters are a trap. Everyone and their mother will tell you that your resume must be exactly one page or the proverbial "they" will write you off immediately, and yet everyone wants a cover letter. A cover letter is an opportunity for you to sell yourself in sentence form, as opposed to a bulleted list, while simultaneously conveying your unmatched love and loyalty for the organization you're applying to. It must dazzle, and excite, but you must not appear desperate or overbearing. It must outline your knowledge of the company, but also try to mention how handy you are with an iPad. It can be the same for everyone, just change it a little, but change it enough to include the philosophy of the present company in question, and also try to buff up how closely you align with their mission. I have to believe that I still do not have the exact science of this right, because I still don't have a job.
6. All of this, all of it, has taken place behind the screen of your computer. No one has even seen your face, heard your voice, sat you down! Therefore, you have nothing but time to question why that is. Was my font too big? Did I come across as arrogant? Did I put the wrong date on my cover letter? Do I call? Did I miss the call? Should I apply to more jobs? Did I apply to too many jobs? It goes on.
That is why you start to feel bad about yourself. Everyone you know says "you deserve this, you're so good" and yet you're still sitting behind the screen furiously typing in name, address, email, phone number, resume, cover letter, send. Over and over. No call. No nookie. Single again.
If you need me, I'll be here, applying to jobs.
*On a side note, I have two methods for counting. The first is for hours. I like to equate hours to television shows, or full length movies.
"It's a four hour drive? Okay, that's only one viewing of Titanic, or two of any normal movie, I can do that."
"Seriously, forty-five minutes for pizza? That's like an episode and a half of 30 Rock, or one of Dawson's Creek!"
The second is for months and years. I like to equate months and years to ages of children.
"I'm only leaving for nine months! That's barely time to conceive and have a baby; it'll be fine."
"I graduated five years ago? Holy Shit, that means if a baby was conceived on the night I graduated, he's going to Kindergarten this year."
